How to Ask for What You Want in Bed (Without Making It Awkward): 5 Things to Say or Do
- Isabelle Kirsch
- Apr 24
- 3 min read
Updated: May 13
Learning How to Ask for What You Want in Bed Doesn’t Have to Be Awkward
You’re not alone if you get nervous bringing up new things in the bedroom. For shy couples or anyone who wasn’t taught how to ask for what you want in bed, these conversations can feel like walking a tightrope: you want more spice, but you don’t want to offend, pressure, or kill the mood.
Here’s the good news—you can spice up your sex life without sounding needy, demanding, or awkward. These 5 tips are subtle, kind, and perfect for people who’d rather do anything than have “the talk.”
1. Say This to Ease In: “What if we tried something new tonight?”
When to use it: During a cozy evening together—maybe curled up on the couch after dinner or getting ready for bed with no distractions.
This isn’t a grand announcement, it’s a gentle curiosity. You’re not saying, “We need to talk.” You’re casually wondering together.
You might add:
“It doesn’t have to be anything wild, just something playful or different. I thought it could be fun to explore.”
Why it works: It opens the door without pressure. It’s collaborative. For couples who struggle with how to ask for what they want in bed, this phrase turns the desire into an invitation instead of a demand.
2. Not in Bed Yet? That’s the Best Time to Bring It Up
Perfect moment: When you're already sharing something tender—like cuddling after sex or winding down before sleep. Or, send it as a playful text during the day.
This question creates space for your partner to share their fantasies or curiosities, which gives you a natural opening to share your own.
If you’re shy, texting works wonders:
“Just curious—what’s something we haven’t done yet that you think would turn you on?”
Why it works: You’re building a bridge. Rather than jumping straight into your request, you're co-creating the mood. This is classic sex talk for shy couples—gentle, curious, and shared.
4. Use a “Yes/Maybe/No” List to Make Things Easier
How to do it: Download a printable Yes/Maybe/No list or create your own using categories like types of touch, fantasies, locations, toys, or role play. You both fill it out privately and share afterward.
Setting: Make it a fun date night activity—light a candle, pour some wine or tea, put on soft music, and take 10 minutes to go through the list. Swap answers only when you're ready.
You might say:
“I found this list online and thought it could be a fun way to see where we overlap without pressure.”
Why it’s gold: It gives you clarity without an awkward conversation. You don’t have to over-explain your desires. It’s perfect for shy or introverted partners and takes the guesswork out of how to ask for what you want in bed.
5. Say This During Sex: “That feels amazing—can we try this too?”
Timing is everything: Wait for a moment of pleasure—when you’re already connecting and enjoying something. That’s when adding a request feels playful, not critical.
You might whisper:
“I love that... Can we try it with me on top too?”Or: “What if you used your hands like this?”
This creates a sexy feedback loop—your partner gets affirmation and direction, which builds confidence and trust.
Why it works: Asking for what you want in bed doesn’t need to be serious or intense. When you combine praise with a new suggestion, it feels less like a correction and more like co-creating pleasure.
Bonus Tip: If You’re Shy, You’re Not Alone
If no one ever modeled how to ask for what you want in bed, it makes sense that it feels awkward. But your voice—and your desire—deserve space.
Start with one sentence. One nudge. One curious question. Because even small shifts in communication can spark big changes in connection.
Need a bit of extra help?
Just because things feel off now doesn’t mean they can’t shift. Whether it’s nerves, disconnection, or a lack of inspiration — couples sessions that include intimacy coaching helps you find your way back to emotional closeness and physical connection. It’s time to make sex feel new—and good—again.
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